


Heartache

by remanth



Series: Thoughts and Reflections [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean muses, Gen, Heartache, lost friend, pre-destiel, trench coat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 10:11:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/709591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remanth/pseuds/remanth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean thinks about the loss he's suffered</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartache

I can't even describe the pain I felt picking up that tattered and stained coat from the water. I could barely breathe and I felt like my entire body was broken. I thought I knew heartache from all the people I lost but it couldn't compare to this. He was really gone this time; no way this damn coat would come back and not him.

I still stood there until they convinced me to leave, hoping that somehow he would manage to come back this time. Slowly, I balled that trench coat up and held it carefully. I would keep it to give back to him when he did come back. He had to come back. He just had to. There are so many things we still have to deal with, so many things I never said.

It took a long time for the nightmares to slow down from that day, a long time before I slept soundly through the night again. And even when I had to store my baby somewhere and drive some POS's, I kept the coat. I kept it with my important possessions, moving them from car to car as we changed them.

Sometimes, late at night when I couldn't sleep and my brother was snoring on his bed, I'd go out to the car and pull out his coat. I'd sit on the trunk, staring up at the night sky with the trench coat held tightly in my hands. The stains and rips were all still there and tears marked trails down the dirt. I prayed every second I sat there, heart breaking and re-breaking, waiting for a miracle that I was becoming sure wasn't coming.

And then we lost our surrogate father to the big bad. We were adrift, fighting an increasingly hopeless battle. I stopped praying yet I would still sneak out and just hold the coat, as if contact would bring him back. If only he'd been here maybe we could have saved some people. I started drinking more and more, the haze of the alcohol the only thing that dampened the ravening hole eating me alive from the inside.

Why didn't I say what I was thinking that last time we spoke before all hell broke loose? Why couldn't I just tell you everything instead of trying to convince you to stop? Maybe if I had chosen the right words, we wouldn't be here now. I wish you had come to me earlier instead of making that deal. If anyone could know how bad it was to make deals with demons, it was us you stupid bastard. I would have helped you with your war without a second thought as you helped me with mine.

But now I need help and you still aren't here. My brother is dying, torn apart by the memories of a cage he still carries within him. Memories that you freed in his mind, though I think I've forgiven you that. I was surprised I could; I've never forgiven anyone else who hurt my brother. As I drive to find Emmanuel, hoping that the word of a hunter whose eyes were healed by the man was true, I find myself wishing somehow that he was you.

And the heartache has become familiar now. It's worn grooves deep into my soul and the ruts are as comfortable as the bond I once felt between us. I think I may finally be ready to let you go, let the trench coat go. I'll give you a hunter's funeral once my brother is healed. I know he'd want to be there. We'll burn the trench coat and say our final goodbyes.


End file.
